Cape Town Sucks?

The history: I came across a reader letter published on IOL about just how awful Cape Town is. You can imagine how quickly that comment box closed but I couldn't resist a little back swing and follow through. The letter was written by sworn Durbanite Anne Stevens. I decided to enter into a little onscreen "dialogue" with Ms Stevens who, by her own admission wants to take her toys and go home. Go home then. You go girl.

Anne:
Cape Town sucks.
This may be a harsh judgment of the bedrock of South African history, but with one reluctant foot on the tip of the continent, its extremities in the water and heart yearning for Europe, this is hardly an African city.
Fuelled by tourist dollars, pounds and euros, it sets itself apart from the rest of the country with a hauteur that is infuriating.
"Oh, but we've got The Mountain," a Capetonian remarked recently when mildly reminded that Durban has good beaches and warmer water.

Capetonian:
Let me tell you what you’ve been missing while toiling away here in the mountainous, unfriendly, dollar and pound-fat city of Cape Town. I was fortunate enough to take an extended trip to Durban and KZN and I will say this…Durban does have good beaches and warmer water. But Cape Town's beaches are better (ask Hollywood baby) and your warm water? Filthy. Must be part of the regional charm, a bit like our mountain.

Anne:
The traffic has always been horrendous. But with the city gearing up for the 2010 World Cup and a new public transport system, it has become a nightmare.
Rush "hour" is actually a five-hour daily ordeal, morning and evening. Traffic grinds to a halt, lanes magically disappear.

Capetonian:
You complain about traffic in Cape Town? I dare you to find your way around the streets of Durban named at least three times over. Luckily, there's red tape over void that are no longer applicable. Yeah, Garmins are no match for your municipality. And I could have been hallucinating on the thick cocktail of humid air and pollution but for the life of me…I sat in traffic. MMMmmm, great memory let me tell you, 40 degrees in the shade. Good times.

Anne:
Then there's the weather. Cold is one thing, rain is another. Cold and rain together, punctuated by howling gales, make for a hellish winter. After one week in Cape Town spent alternately aquaplaning on busy roads and staying inside to avoid the wind, I returned to Durban very thankful.

Capetonian:
Believe me Anne, we were grateful too when you returned to Durbs. Durban...where you can choke on the air, sweat in a fridge, never have decent hair and get rained on so badly that pedestrians start to pair off and wait for Noah and his life raft. Yes, it rains and gets cold in Cape Town, but you know what they say about people who complain about the weather? They're the same people who complain about traffic and spend most of their free time planning what they'll do with the money when they win the lottery.

Anne:
And so I told friends, who looked at me strangely. "You didn't like Cape Town?" they said with horror.
Which brings me to another thing.
Why does everyone regard this as the Holy Grail of South African cities? Am I the only person in the world who doesn't want to spend a lot of time there?

Capetonian:
To answer your question Anne, yes, you're the only one who doesn't want to live in Cape Town. Medic!

Anne:
"Oh, Anne is the only person who lives in Durban by choice," I once heard someone say.
Then my cousins returned recently from two weeks at an upmarket timeshare, armed with a list that proved Cape Town was better than Durban.
Okay, I agree with some points. Cape Town doesn't have Michael Sutcliffe; the verges are usually clean; and someone does try to fix broken traffic lights and fill potholes.

Capetonian:
Let's not skim over this one Anne. I've travelled a bit and loved everywhere I've been to but do you know what my first thought was when I drove into the city of Durban? Depressing, dilapidated, disorganised. It was sad. Durban has passed its expiry date and now all that's left is the glory of yester year and a sadness that comes standard with the litter, the hoards of starving refugees and the danger associated with a place that doesn't seem to mind much that things are falling down around them. You don't mind that? sounds like you're right at home.

And let's be clear about the potholes...I have travelled almost every inch of KZN and although there weren’t any cars for kilometres(no traffic in those parts – air punch Anne), there were so many potholes, summer rain and mud that there were times we thought that "rural" meant “you’re on your own if anything goes down.”

Anne:
And the restaurants...
I would venture that, by and large, they are not only characterised by indifferent service, but overpriced and over-hyped grub. Getting an honest meal for your rand is difficult.
It reminds me of that old adage that the better the view, the worse the food.
Which also affects the price of accommodation, permanent or otherwise. If you have a view of the mountain or the sea, you have to have lots of lolly.
Move away from the upper-class areas with their beautiful old trees and commanding outlook, and you get some fairly dreary, dingy suburbs.

Capetonian:
Anne, I have to question your rose coloured specs? Where they bought in a station market at Durban Central? Consider prescription. A decent meal for your rands? Dingy suburbs? People in glass houses sweetie...
Perhaps you're not schooled in global cuisine, Cape Town has some of the best food in the world. And I didn’t get that from one of those touristy magazines. No, no, I’ve tried it myself. I can't remember too many great meals in Durbs, but rest assured - if I did, I would have said so. Maybe you should learn to appreciate things before you criticise them?

You go on and on about how rude and unfriendly we all are. Capetonians might be hostile, but we’re allowed one flaw. And Durbanites are friendly? Is that the parallel you’re drawing. That’s a bit ambitious Anne and untrue. Your attitude is decidedly unfriendly and hostile, that doesn't inspire another trip to KZN for me. Perhaps you should have been an ambassador for your province, rather than a bitter, whiny misery. What do you have to say about the residents of Joburg I wonder? Sounds to me like you wanted the royal treatment while you were here. The Old Biscuit Mill didn’t roll out a red carpet at your arrival? I’ll get onto them immediately.

Anne, come now. You admit to taking crime ridden and dirty Durban over Cape Town? Please, be our guest. You can hate Cape Town as much as you want, you're one of the few and do you know why? Cause Cape Town rocks.

Take it or leave it Anne. That’s the sentiment. We don’t need your type, we’ve got the mountain. Bru.

Should you ever change your mind and grace us Anne, get Tourism Radio in your car, we'll show you what you've been missing.